1. Grab a basket, don't browse, do a lap, throw in the necessities and try to get out alive! Hint: make a game out of it and pretend you're on the awesome 90's cable tv game show 'Super Market Sweep'. My friends were actual contestants on the show, made it to the final round and lost :( they still got to wear the rad sweatshirts and grab the big inflatable bonus items. Here is a clip from the Canadian version of the show with some crazy lady being dragged by her cart as she slides into the checkout...
2. PAY ATTENTION YOU DROOLING ZOMBIE!!!
Studies show as soon as you begin the errand of grocery shopping your brain switches to primal cavewoman gathering mode to feed family. Wonder why the parking lots at grocery stores are so crazy? Or why you forget what you're shopping for as soon as you walk in? Or why you go just to buy milk and end up dropping $100? Primal cavewoman mode. If you're hungry at the time, even worse. Don't hand your cashier empty packages of food you've already consumed while shopping, all that says is "i'm a desperate, hungry, fat zombie with no self control and no life so i feel accomplished by buying and consuming lots of shit that i don't need". Hint: learn how to drive, learn how to park, eat before shopping, bring a list, control yourself.
3. GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE WAY!
You are the people who walk through a doorway...then stop and look around. You are the people who make right turns from the left lane. You are the people who get off an escalator and then stand there like an idiot. You are the same people who park your giant cart full of 2 items in the exact center of the aisle so nobody can get around it, oblivious to the fact you have blocked a busy walkway with your empty cart. Wake the fuck up! There is an entire world full of people, behind you, desperately trying to find a way around your zombie ass while you stare at apples and tap on melons and try to find the most perfect, freshest, newest tomato sent from heaven. Guess what idiots, it's all from Mexico and it's all dirty, picked from workers who shit in the fields because they aren't allowed to take breaks, enjoy your salad!
4. PAY WITH CREDIT/DEBIT OR CASH ONLY!!!
You have food stamps? EBT card? well that's your own fault for continuing to reproduce when you can't even pay your rent. You are an idiot and I don't feel sorry for you at all. Paying by check? Do you live on dinosaur island? Well it's 2010 now, and while we don't have flying cars yet we have made some majorly easy and convenient advances in point of purchase payment methods, so please do the modern world a favor and send your son out to do your shopping. Also, the giant illuminated sign that says "EXPRESS LANE 15 ITEMS OR LESS CASH or CREDIT ONLY" is not a suggestion.
pic of what YOU all look like to the rest of the world...
5. GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!
I don't want to chat about the weather, or share recipes, or babysit your spoiled, bratty kids while you talk on the phone. I want you and your entitled ass to stop staring at me and go home! And hey old people, just because i'm obligated to wear a name tag doesn't mean you can address me like i'm Jimmy Olson from the corner market in the 1950's. I'm not your friend, i'm not your neighbor, i'm not your son or your student,... i'm just the guy you stare at in line, i'm the guy behind you trying to get around your fat ass, i'm the guy who gets to clean up all the trash you just dump on the shelves, i'm the guy who's in refrigerator trying to find the FRESHEST berries for you then you walk away after 5 seconds or ask someone else. Have a nice day!!!
